Fear is my biggest opponent. The constant feeling of fear is really what always stops me. It paralyzes me and drives me insane.

It’s difficult because I’m feeling myself entering a good place, but yet I’m absolutely petrified to even type that sentance because I don’t want the expecation now. It’s like I am now obligated to be happy and if I am not, I have myself to blame. In general, being happy has always petrified me. When things go well, it is almost to good to be true and I can’t fully enjoy it because I’m to busy focusing on what can and will go wrong. I’m practically compelled to mess things up on my own because I feel as if I do not deserve complete happiness. I know it is no way to live and I know that it is also no excuse for my actions so as of now, I’m working on myself. It may be selfish, dramatic or both, but I’m not emotionally stable enough to involve other people in my issues. Is anyone ever honestly emotionally stable though? Is it just a ”teenage phase” or will this just continue on through my adult life?

I’m a very loud, goofy, straight forward person but at the same time, I’m really the complete opposite. Everyone I know says my father and I have the same humor. I think we both use our humor to cover up our other feelings and emotions. Upfront we are both very conscious of hiding our emotions. He’s much stronger then me though, because once I do get to talking about my feelings I have no control over them. If you get me talking about certain things, I cry very easily.

Goals and wants are something I have never really voiced. I guess if I don’t voice either, nobody will be able to tell I have dissapointed or let myself down.

I’ve found a lot of my characteristics to get in the way of my ability to form strong relationships with people in general. It’s something that I want so badly, but I have such trouble.