I lost ten pounds since the 27th!! I’ve never actually lost weight before.

With my winter break wrapping up and my second semester swiftly approacting I’m feeling emotionally torn. I’m beginning to feel as if I have overstayed my welcome which is a sad feeling considering this is my home. I know it is not my parents intention to make me feel this way. It is easier though I’m sure with my brother and myself seperated.

Whoever said distance makes the heart grow fonder did not have a brother with autism. It has been a strong reality check coming back for such an extensive period of time to the life I practically left behind. Going away to school really allowed me to put my problems at home on the back burner. I don’t mean to refer to my brother as a problem. The problem is how I manage myself being around him. My patience with T.J. has dwindled to practically nothing and I blame myself and the time spent away from him. My need for order and perfection clashes with his personality which I find to be the most frustrating. I’ve really need to get a handle on the situation. It’s so easy to understand a situation. The difficult part is actually living through it.

My mother and I had one falling out in particular which led me to speak me with my Grandma. It’s both a blessing and a curse to have a social worker as a grandma. She put a lot of things into perspective for myself. It really made me swallow my pride and admit my wrongs.

My family has never been affluent but it’s no secret for a majority of my life I have been given practically everything I wanted. My parents made sure I did not feel any less privileged then the kids around me. I most definitely was spoiled. As a result of my brothers disorder, my parents also felt it necessary to in a way make it up to me for my misfortune in that sense with materialistic items. It has been made clear to me however that they will no longer be able to provide for me like they once have. The slowing down of the economy has slowed down the amount of work my dad’s business recieves. Financially, my family is now greatly struggling. It’s scary to see first hand and because my parents still want to protect me, it was something made a scary reality when I heard it from my grandma. I kick myself now for choosing not to work over winter break. I kick myself for being one more burden on my parents. I’ve worked constantly throughout my high school career up until the day that I did leave for college. I don’t mind working but in some selfish way, I am angry with my parents. I am going to now look for a job at school for this semester. It’s selfish but I do feel angry sometimes with my parents when I think about some of my other friends situations. There is always going to be the haves and have nots though and I know that I will be a stronger person. I have to learn to thank my parents and see this as a positive. Working has taught me so many obvious lessons such as time management, responsibility, people skills and money skills. I have a drive to succeed that I find absent in a lot of my friends whos families are in much better financial situations compared to my own. It’s not their fault, and I was ungrateful and unaware once as well what it meant to work. Naturally, I feel jealous sometimes as well and wish I could be in their position. I’ve matured though a lot and because of the situation I have been placed into, hopefully it will help me succeed in the long wrong.

It’s obvious that I have issues that need to be worked out. I’ve always been able to manage keeping them undercontrol. For the most part I try to not allow them effect my relationships with people. I can’t bring myself to let someone else be aware or responsible of my problems. The only person I have ever been 100% open and honest and unfilitered with is myself. I can not help but sugar coat and lie about the way I am feeling when people ask me. My emotional baggage becoming another persons issue grosses me out. Vulnerability is the scariest thing in the world to me.

The adjustment from school to home is difficult, it’s something that will take getting used to. I’ll be back though in my fantasy world that I call school on Sunday. I’m really looking to grow, and learn and better myself as a person this semester.

Fear is my biggest opponent. The constant feeling of fear is really what always stops me. It paralyzes me and drives me insane.

It’s difficult because I’m feeling myself entering a good place, but yet I’m absolutely petrified to even type that sentance because I don’t want the expecation now. It’s like I am now obligated to be happy and if I am not, I have myself to blame. In general, being happy has always petrified me. When things go well, it is almost to good to be true and I can’t fully enjoy it because I’m to busy focusing on what can and will go wrong. I’m practically compelled to mess things up on my own because I feel as if I do not deserve complete happiness. I know it is no way to live and I know that it is also no excuse for my actions so as of now, I’m working on myself. It may be selfish, dramatic or both, but I’m not emotionally stable enough to involve other people in my issues. Is anyone ever honestly emotionally stable though? Is it just a ”teenage phase” or will this just continue on through my adult life?

I’m a very loud, goofy, straight forward person but at the same time, I’m really the complete opposite. Everyone I know says my father and I have the same humor. I think we both use our humor to cover up our other feelings and emotions. Upfront we are both very conscious of hiding our emotions. He’s much stronger then me though, because once I do get to talking about my feelings I have no control over them. If you get me talking about certain things, I cry very easily.

Goals and wants are something I have never really voiced. I guess if I don’t voice either, nobody will be able to tell I have dissapointed or let myself down.

I’ve found a lot of my characteristics to get in the way of my ability to form strong relationships with people in general. It’s something that I want so badly, but I have such trouble.