Sometimes I find myself getting so caught up in pettiness that I loose sight of reality. In some ways it is the quickest fix. It gives me a moment of thrill and entertainment but that moment always quickly ends and then I am pushed right back a step. Back at square one where I am frustrated, and I am questioning everyone and everything, and where I let all of my insecurities, all of the insecurities that I waste so much energy, so much time, so much effort, I let them get the best of me. I just let all of my insecurities eat away at me until I become a shell of a person.
I’m trying to get back to who I really am. I’m almost finding it harder though because unlike before when I was living in a delusional state of mine, I am now facing reality head on and it’s not full of sunshine and daisies.
I use my sharp tongue and my loud fucking mouth to cope and to hide and it’s becoming exhausting. I almost feel that at this point, after fooling so many people around me, I’ve even fooled myself.
I’ve really just lost sight of who I am and I’m terrified. I am absolutely terrified because I don’t know where to go from here and I don’t know who to move forth with. I’m literally drowning in all of my stupid fucking thoughts and they’re all jumbled together and I don’t know where to even begin.